Wednesday, November 10, 2010

       

Sometimes I just really want it to stop hurting.

The accident had me thinking really hard about some things that had been on my mind for a long time.

It feels like the depression from my teenage years pretty much just melted into a very long and dreary quarter-life crisis that seems to go on forever.

I try really hard to do my best, to hopefully keep up with my promises and live for the ones who're no longer here. But sometimes I really feel like I'm not strong enough to go that far.

Sometimes when I look back, it feels like my life is merely an accumulation of running-aways. I left RGS because I couldn't fit in, because I was used to excelling in primary school and in a school full of girls made for the Ivy League, I was far from hardworking or smart enough in comparison.

My god-sister won her Olympics gold at 16. For so long I yearned for something close. I trained hard for air rifle, much harder than my peers at my best times. And much more than photography, I did know for certain that I was more than talented, prodigious or whatever they called it, I reached scores people took years to reach within months, I knew I was born for air rifle.

So for those years my mum and I struggled against the association which wanted me to do bad no matter what, just because I was the coach's daughter, just because I did well, just because I was talented, just because my stepdad wanted to rein my mum in.

I thought I was strong, I thought I could hold out till my moment of glory to prove them wrong and be saved. I tried so hard, but I was so wrong.

There was no one to save us when I won my gold at the Commonwealth Shooting Championships. What came after can only be called fate's idea of a bad joke—people ganged up to sabotage my mum in attempt to get her jailed for life. They lied and coerced students to sign letters of events that never happened. She was in and out of the police station every other morning.

We lived those months in constant fear. I repeatedly dreamt about my stepdad's threat to hurt or kill my sister if my mum didn't lend him money in visuals too vivid and bloody for comfort—we were always being hunted, I would always try to hide her away. And he would grab hold of my arm and carve the flesh off my skin as I watched and it felt too real and too horrifying.

Whatever last bits of strength I might have had left from those earlier years of pain left me. I broke. And then it was a downward spiral into nothingness.

Despite being trained by the best coaches with the sincerest intentions with the best teams in China and Korea those six years, I failed.

No matter the circumstances it's all excuses when it's over. I couldn't climb back up. I was messed up. In searching of something else to focus on I turned my attention to photography which was then only a hobby. The worse I was doing in air rifle the more I tried to run away from it because there were no expectations for me to fail in photo-taking.

I left school again one semester short of finishing my fashion diploma because I still didn't fit in, the school was being retarded, and because people hated me for doing well when I was always away too often for rifle. Lame really, couldn't never fit in.

Just fail after fail after fail after fail.

No matter what I do I'm just never strong enough.

And the more people tell me how amazing I am at photography the more I fear how I'd just fail and not be able to go on.

The more I think I'd gotten over their deaths the more the guilt of being alive haunts me. 

Some nights I remember Noah telling me the stories from his village the traumas from his childhood the freezing winters we spent together and how much more fortunate I am than what we were as children.

Some nights my mind won't stop replaying the image of L's fractured sprawling body, the blood, his broken head and all the brains that were spilled on the grounds, it hurt so so much to think.

Some nights I remember M crying and she was like the sun and she never cried, but when we talked about H's death she cried and cried and cried and we were only twelve and they used to be so close and I knew how it hurt and it hurt me too.

Some nights I remember grandma visiting me and the empty hospital corridors and how lonely I'd felt ever since my first memory.

Some nights I remember the first time I tried to stab myself with a pair of scissors and how I wished that process wouldn't hurt so I could just go and despite being four I knew I'd never be fixed.

Some nights I remember being told I wasn't wanted and I think about how little I do and how much I fail and I really wish I didn't exist.

Some nights I wonder how everyone else copes with everyone else's deaths and at the same time I don't want to know, because if I don't hurt and don't remember then their deaths and existence would be lost and that would be too sad. 

Sometimes I just really want it to stop hurting but I know it never will.

And no I'm not suddenly being emo, I'd just always tried to hold it in for fear of being a negative influence, for fear of being judged. But the people who want to judge will judge either way and people who don't get it will never do, and the people who talk without consideration for others' feelings will continue to be that way, so whatever.

Sometimes people talk like I don't have feelings, but I'm only human like you and probably more emotional, and I can't be treated like a hero and be expected to be perfect because I am not. I'm just someone broken trying to live a little bit of life in this world and it's so hard because it's as if there is no place for me anywhere.

Sometimes all the expectations really weigh and I seriously don't think I'm that great or amazing, and whatever I do it never seems to ever be enough because it's never enough because there's still so much farther to go and I feel like I'll never have the strength to get there, because my life had been nothing but a spiral of fail and hurt and pain.

Sometimes I just really want it to stop hurting.



///

Update:

I just want to say thank you everyone for the emails, messages and comments.

I feel very touched, very loved.

You have no idea how long and often those thoughts have plagued me, how much your words and reassurances and understandings mean.

Sometimes there is no room and nowhere to say anything else next to a piece of work, and it's so easy to be taken granted for to be assumed to be judged at and it's so lonely and painful to deal with along with everything else.

Your words and support really made me feel that I'm not as much a... failure as I believed. Made me feel that, even if just for a little bit, that those failures were okay.

I read every single comment, email and message received, and I cried reading many of them. Thank you, thank you thank you thank you. I'll get better and be a stronger girl.

78 comments :

Amber said...

*hugs*

Ginkojyuin said...

That's what makes us humans...
Because life hurts so much, we keep saying we want it to end. We want everything to be whitewashed and to disappear. I... really understand where you're coming from a little because it's a similar sentiment that I'm holding on.

The world always feels too demanding. There's never a time to rest. And whenever you want to just give up, there will always be people around to keep pushing you up. They keep saying that you're strong because of what you do even though the truth is that you aren't. That you're weak inside and melting away.

I don't really know what else to say. But... keep safe and carry on. You're someone I've always admired... and knowing this intimate side of you, makes me admire you a lot more. You're an amazing girl and I adore you for that. *hugs*

Zean said...

*hugs* Jingna...

I understand all that... I shouldn't say any thing more..

Better hug you tight and tell you that: "Everything will be okay dear!"

:)

Love and believe in you!

Saw Kang Jong said...

Hugs....^_^

Sometime buried the past and look forward really help a person a lot. I'm sure you have the strength and support from friends and your community here :)

cheers...

Megan said...

People may never feel what you feel.
no one can feel what anyone feels.
But you write amazingly, thats all i can say.

Blue said...

Hello. :)

I always loved your photos, but i like your HUMANESS more. To tell you frankly, I am envious of you.

ENVY in a positive way. Envy because I hope that I can find my niche, too. I perfectly understand what you ment by not fitting in.

I am good in Japanese language , popculture, yet I don't fit the typical and available jobs in my country. I could not stand corporate related work. I only lasted 1 year each for my past 2 jobs

I used to be scared of failing. There was one point in my life, where in I was ready to jump in the train rails or in the overpass. I scratch and bite myself when I am depressed. Because, I too, was scared of failing and I failed, then.

I still don't know where to start to achieve my dreams. SOmetimes, we just need to leave for a while and take a break. Keep in mind, that you take pictures because you love photography.

Maybe, part of it, is for work. but before that, you were doing it because it's your passion ne?

I am not sure if I am making sense...or helping. But sometimes, taking a break and saying that you are tired won;t hurt at all. A little bit of selfishness for self-preservation won't hurt. *hugs*

Me and some friends are in the same situation. There are times that we want to quit. We call ourselves "floating shit" waiting to be flushed and find our direction.

Then, a friend was having problems, wanting to vanish in thin air. We told her, we're not FARTS! We're just floating shits! XD We shall not vanish! ( I know it's disgusting and corny or maybe plain stupidity)


Just give yourself sometime to think and to relax. All people deserves that selfishness :)

ren

lynn said...

From failure we succeed. Every failure is a step closer to our success in life. You may not see your own success from up above but we're sure of your success from down below.

Don't worry bout it.

Blue said...

Hello. :)

I always loved your photos, but i like your HUMANESS more. To tell you frankly, I am envious of you.

ENVY in a positive way. Envy because I hope that I can find my niche, too. I perfectly understand what you ment by not fitting in.

I am good in Japanese language , popculture, yet I don't fit the typical and available jobs in my country. I could not stand corporate related work. I only lasted 1 year each for my past 2 jobs

I used to be scared of failing. There was one point in my life, where in I was ready to jump in the train rails or in the overpass. I scratch and bite myself when I am depressed. Because, I too, was scared of failing and I failed, then.

I still don't know where to start to achieve my dreams. SOmetimes, we just need to leave for a while and take a break. Keep in mind, that you take pictures because you love photography.

Maybe, part of it, is for work. but before that, you were doing it because it's your passion ne?

I am not sure if I am making sense...or helping. But sometimes, taking a break and saying that you are tired won;t hurt at all. A little bit of selfishness for self-preservation won't hurt. *hugs*

Me and some friends are in the same situation. There are times that we want to quit. We call ourselves "floating shit" waiting to be flushed and find our direction.

Then, a friend was having problems, wanting to vanish in thin air. We told her, we're not FARTS! We're just floating shits! XD We shall not vanish! ( I know it's disgusting and corny or maybe plain stupidity)


Just give yourself sometime to think and to relax. All people deserves that selfishness :)

ren

Anonymous said...

i havent lived your life. i know i cant understand it.
but you seem to have accomplished a lot more than you give yourself credit for. im sure there were a lot of expectations for you in air riflery and maybe you didnt live up to them, but dont sell yourself short in photography. have confidence. you are surely one of the best. <3anon

Rachel said...

I dont know what to say yet I didn't feel it yould be nice for me to leave without wishing you strength.

I don't know you and I don't know you're story, in fact, I am just another one of the people that found your pictures amazing and inspiring. But I wish you well, because you are good. You have to be, by your words, actions and photos, you have to be.

I follow you, I read you, and somehow, I care for you. As many people do. That counts for something, believe me.

Be strong, when you hit rock bottom you can only go up.

Super Nova Gurl said...

*HUGS*

psyanides said...

Without sadness or hardships, you won't know true happiness when you find it, and I honestly believe that you one day will. The littlest things can make the largest impact, so keep fighting for those moments, for yourself, and for those around you.
Despite your past, and despite how you view your life thus far, please know that you are enough. The fact that you are still here writing this entry proves just that. Surviving may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it may also be the best. I wish for you much strength, and a sense of contentment in the future.
I admire your work greatly, and I admire the world that you have envisioned and created within it. Never lose sight of that! :)

cryblacktears said...

-hugs- Even though your life seems much more traumatic than mine (which is all smooth sailing and rather boring), I can understand how u feel about fear of failing.

I run away all the time and I could never find my own stage, or something that I'm good in.

You have found yours in photography
and babe, don't be afraid of the future. You have already accomplished so much more, and you have the support of so many.

Jiayou :)

Mark Allen said...

When I was younger, I was in a very bad car accident which left me imobile for a couple weeks and lingering injury for a couple months. But the haunting from it lasted years. For months after I was physically recovered, I was haunted by day-mares... I'd suddenly have flashes of it like you would during a dream. And during all that time it made me extremely sensitive and aware of things - pensive. Re-evaluating. Suddenly everything was suspect. Past traumas had to be reviewed.

It's a process. Be patient with it.

Your story about the air gun reminds me of what I think is a native american story.

The cheif's son gets the finest horse and everyone is jealous. "How lucky is your son!" Chief say, "Maybe."

Then the son falls off the horse and breaks his arm. Everyone says "How unlucky is your son!" Chief says, "Maybe."

Then there is a war and all the men go off to fight, except the son can't because he's injured. All the men are killed, but the son survives.

The point being... the terrible events that stopped you from pursuing your air-gun have brought you to photography where you have this enviably growing career. Had you been able to pursue your first venture maybe you'd have succeeded, maybe not, maybe you'd be doing it, maybe not, maybe you'd have gotten injured, maybe you'd have won gold, but what did happen is this life now...

...maybe someday you'll do a photo that displeases everyone. Maybe that will lead you to something more exciting photographically in the future.

It's a process. Be patient with it.

Anonymous said...

i know you are a strong person just by reading your biography. you can push through this. hold your head high and be proud of what you have accomplished. much more is to come.

Anonymous said...

Hi JN. Be strong. =) You're loved by many.

Can I recommend the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl? It's a wonderful book, and I think it'll be ideal for you.

"But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer." — Viktor Emil Frankl

(Btw, perhaps you may wish to consider meditation to deal with the emotional hurt.)

Cattola said...

Dear Ji, your words are true and sad, they touched me very in deep. You have coped with a lot of sad and fearful things in your life, but the first thing I want to say is: is not your fault. Reading what you've written here I see how many and bad influences people had on you and not because you are lame, but just for the opposite, because you are good. I spent all my teenage years with no friends, distant parents, loneliness and the sensation of not being worth of anything. Now, after some years have passed I've realize some things: 1) I was wrong. I was judging myself how bad people judged me. And It was soo unfair to treat myself like this. Because for stupid people is easy to cope with their failures badmouthing people better than them. And I mean, is not like me or you are so better than anyone else, but like there is people with blonde hair and people with black hair, there is just people that is better than others in something. Is just natural. In your post I see how you take responsibility for bad people actions. You don't have to. You're an hard worker girl that has bad times and good times like everyone the fact that now you're succeding is because you are surely talented but also as I said before an hard working and strong willed girl. Obviously you can't be an hard worker and strong willed 24/7 is just normal. As normal as sadly is to have enemies. Mediocre people don't have enemies. But you don't have to use your enemies opinion to shape your judgement about yourself. You can use the opinion of your friends and fans but the most important person is you. In your post I've read a lot about others but...what about you? What do you want, what do you feel? I know that you won't to hurt people anymore but unfortunately everything a person do can hurt someone else and I mean really everything. You can try to delete yourself from the world but actually also this it will cause people to suffer. So? Try to do things for you. Thinks that make you happy, things that helps you to live an happy and fulfilling life. You have all of what you need to live an happy life, use your weapons of mass happiness. Think about yourself think about your own happiness. This is not being egoistic is just being a person that care about herself. I think the main aim of someone life is to live an happy and fulfilling life. And the jorney to reach this aim starts taking care of yourself, of your needs. Because live for someonelse is the same to chain your life with despair and sorrow. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be beaten by someone else nastiness. Just let it go away, away from you, from your life. Be with you friends, know your enemies, leave them out of your door.

Shauna said...

You've already left your mark, lovely - all that you've accomplished in your work is more than so many people do in their whole lives and careers.

I believe that whatever happens happens for a reason, and I don't know what happened with the accident, but the fact is you're alive for a reason. The work you create is beauty into the world for other people to be inspired and learn from, and in your personal life the people you love all gain so much just from your presence.

Although I don't know you this are things I've learnt from battling major depression ever since I was 13. I do photography myself and every day I manage to get out of bed and go to a job, or shoot something beautiful is a little accomplishment in itself. And I'm sure the people who matter will always be able to see and appreciate this.

No one's expectations of you should matter except for the ones you have for yourself - as long as you're doing what you know is right, and you're not hurting anyone - the important thing is you're doing what you love.

(And besides - without all the struggles we can never appreciate how sweet life can be sometimes.)

Wishing you all the best. Your work is truly beautiful. You are a talented soul and I believe the best is yet to come.

Anonymous said...

Big Hugs from me.
Be strong.
Life is great.

Salam,
@ysunday

Eclipse_ol said...

Life does not always comes as we want it to come..We hurt but it is part of our humanity..You as an artist even more..You are more sensitive and more gifted to feel every emotion to the fullest..it is a gift that gives you the ability to create .Do not feel trapped about the this..If you do not feel that you can not appreciate the happiness..A great mind of its time once said: "What does not kill you makes you stronger"
Keep spirits up.You are alive.Power comes to the strangest places you will see

Anonymous said...

Please don't ever give up. Your post makes me worried about you. You have been through an unreal ammount of trama right from when you were young. I don't know what I'd do if you were not in the world. I don't want to you to ever give up on life. Don't let people comment on your photos if they are too rude. Many photograpphers have turned off comments. Try to always think of positive things. I have depression and I have to work at being happy. My life is not that good, but you inspire me to keep going. I want you to be happy more than you know!

Zhi said...

*hugz* You know they are part of you and what brought you here today. Embrace them and enjoy life ^^

Anonymous said...

Your deep sadness shows in your pictures and that is a great asset to you. But you need to LET IT GO , wash it all off, to reach the next level. Focus on the incredible picture you have taken. You are an amazing artist, put a little smile in what you do. Life is not that bad. A hug, sencere.

gakucherie said...

*hugs*

It hurts to live. It hurts to remember those who lived.
But we keep on struggling and carry on living.

When my dad was dying from cancer, I was scared and I sorta consciously kept myself away from him. I didn't know if I could cope when he died if I was too overly emotionally attached at that point in time. Of course, I loved him. But I knew it'd break me if I did not prepare myself to let him go.
When he did pass on, it was still difficult but manageable.
Maybe the "wall" I built around myself helped, I don't know.
When the same happened thing happened to my Godma 2 years ago, I realised that I did the same thing.

Maybe people view me as a heartless bitch but I don't care. The people who matter know I love them and that's enough.
I just want to keep on living and keep on loving the people who matter to me.

We don't need to answer to anyone about our existence.
We only need to answer to ourselves.
We don't need to know why we are brought to this world.
We just need to know that as long as we are on this earth, we do our best to live each day to the best that we can.

No one can be strong all the time. It's our weaknesses that make us mortal beings.

跨越悲伤和软弱只能靠自己。

Elsa said...

u have the wisdom to overcome all these bad memories and the fear.....u have made the first step to fight with the fear by sharing them with people....everyone goes through the pain to learn the life....u r not alone to experience all these....
是金子总会发光的,u have proved that u r a real talent, whatever u do...which really envy many many people and inspire us...
we all have gone through the bad and tough journey along our life, but u r not the worst one,u know!!!!
i believe that you would get over this eventually! luv u always!!!!

akukaonal said...

hugs... b strong... =]

artreyu said...

i guess sometimes it is good that you can "never get there". somehow...somewhere...someone will always move the goalpost and we will always trying to score that goal...i guess only that we learn to grow..learn to improve ourselves constantly...

know that we as human beings are imperfect...and perfection is something that we will always chase after but never attain...and just because of that...we can achieve much more than we are meant to achieve...

so go ahead...do what you think u have to do..and just forget the results...in the end..i guess you can only answer for yourself and no one else..

we do not know each other..but still..i wish you all the best..and be strong =)

Toni D said...

Jingna:

As I go through my own traumatic events right now (for the past several months actually), I'm reminded to put my life into perspective. You are, and probably always will be, stronger than most people I know who are twice your age. You've experienced things that I would never have wished someone as talented and beautiful as you to experience.

But I guess now you have to decide whether your continue to succeed or lend power to self-fulfilling prophecy (and I only mean now, at this stage of your life. Past events have most certainly been beyond your control). PLEASE hold onto happiness, even in those fleeting moments. It's never guaranteed us, at least not for the long term. I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that every moment of joy/love is precious, to be carved into our hearts.

You've touched so many lives with your talent, uncommon insight and humanity. Please don't underestimate your power to heal others. Let their love and support help to heal you.

I'm an ardent fan and will always be.

Samantha Nandez said...

What makes you strong, and not a failure, is that you're still here. Still working, still doing what you love, and still remembering those that you lost in their best light.

There are many times, like you, I still think about the things that have happened in my past. But you sharing like this reminds me that I'm not the only one with a story. And it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has had to work through troubled times, and experience things children should not experience.

In the end, it is our choices on how we react to those situations that make us who we are. And as I said, you're still here. As much as it hurts, let it remind you that you can, in fact, feel. And feel love for those you care about so deeply.

Without pain, there can be no happiness. Otherwise, we wouldn't know what it is.

I really do wish you all the best in your future, and hope that no matter what, you do what is right by you. It's your life.

<3 <3

Brian Huynh said...

Support, love and sympathy always goes without saying.

Thank you for the transperancy.

You are a free spirit.
You inspire everyday.

Broken, hurt, scared, confused...
You are always whole.
You are always special.

crushing expectations or not aside. You move forward, you never forget and you always remember to honour.
If that is not strength....

While time is the key ingredient to deal all scars and personal callouses. healing also required, talking, risking, reflecting, facing, forgviing, loving, crying, laughing, listening, living, and dying.

darksunmoon said...

About the last two paragraphs, I feel like that too.

For the rest, all you can do is continue to get up each time you "fall". Time heals certain wounds, but when they're deep, unfortunately, they don't just disapear, they end up leaving a trace, and somehow that trace they leave becomes part of what we, ourselves, become...

Death is never easy to cope with, but sudden and violent deaths are worse because you hadn't planed for them, you never saw them coming, you could not mentally prepare for them, so it can take a while to accept what has happened and come to term with it.

It's a good thing you took up photography. Art is a good way to express all these feelings that you would bury within yourself otherwise and that would just end up further troubling you.

All that I can say is that I'm sorry to hear about those losses in your life and that I hope that the future helps you attain a bit of zen and quiet and happiness.
Jia you, Jingna jie!

岩倉レイン said...

I too don't want to leave without wishing you well and letting you know that your work inspires me.

Since I was young I've struggled with depression, some years better and some worse, and it led me to settle for mediocrity, to identify myself as the "bad example" - the son the parents are embarrassed by - because I couldn't find anything to really excel at. Sure, I'm good at things, and I do what I like, but I'll never be amazing.

And maybe this isn't actually true, but I found that it never gets better. You're right, life is always a rush, there's never enough time to finish it all, or even just the important things, and few people ever want to talk about.

But even so, life is full of good things. Even though you didn't win gold with your rifle, you found dedication, commitment and excellence with it. Maybe you didn't last as long as you liked, but the way you've told it, you literally had your whole world against you - and what does it matter that you can't beat the world? No one can beat the world, but we can enjoy the shit out of it whenever we scrape some good luck and good times out of it.

Your photography has been so inspiring to me and your success even more so. Even though the crash was terrible, and the memories it brought back even more so, you are still alive, and your pictures improve the world for me, just by looking at them. You bring some comfort and joy to millions of people with what you do - and I wish I could do the same for you across the internet.

Love and best wishes to you.

Anonymous said...

Jing Na, be strong. We love you and we'll always and always support you. Take a deep breath, keep your chin up. Walk this path of life is nvr easy, but we should be strong and keep on trying.

Pix said...

Well, you see, I've always believed, myself, that certain people are born with a magnificent void that can never really be filled, but actually exists within so that we always try to create something to best it - and in the proces there's the best of humanity's science, philosophy and art. Normal people don't have that. They basically just exist and procreate. They're okay. The creators, though, can never settle down, never stop being this painfully restless, this overwhelmed by emotions and ideas and always feel kinda lonely, no matter what. Would you really be happy if you already had everything you think you want? Okay, maybe :)) Just don't live someone else's life, slave to other people's expectations. That really leads to nothing but angst.
But there's something else that I know for a fact - something, when it comes to people like us - that explains a lot... See, deep down we believe that when you aim super high and fail to get there, you've still learned and achieved a lot. As oppose to aiming very rationally and then you achieve it and it doesn't mean anything to anyone. The path is the point, not true? :p
And stop trying to be like other people, you idiot - that insults those of us who think you are pretty damn amazing. We don't like you because we're depressed losers who fail to do anything ourselves. We like you because we have poet's souls - and know anyone can be in a land of shit and feel like gold or be in a land of gold and feel like shit. That's the best part about being a creature of perception!

Anonymous said...

You may not know us, and we may not know you, but there are so many of us who support you--whether you succeed or fail. You've touched our lives through your art and your sharing of your self, and that is already more than enough.

Blue said...

It's me again.

I was about to sleep and saw this article via twitter. :)
http://www.unreadyandwilling.com/2010/11/the-power-of-self-forgiveness/

hope it will help you feel better

Deborah said...

I haven't had the happiest life, but it's been by no means a miserable one. I have married a really good person and for the first time I feel happy instead of just feeling... blank & empty. But I feel guilty because of this, because so many people are miserable and in bad relationships. I have never experienced the deep trauma of someone close to me dying and I can't imagine how the guilt must tear you up inside. I can't imagine the incredible strength you must have to go on and also be able to create such heartbreakingly beautiful work from this pain you carry.

Please remember, we are all suffering. But if we don't carry on together & build each other up, we'll never make it.

Danru said...

I don´t know if I can explain myself correctly with my poor english, so please excuse me.
I´m just another one of the people who does not know you but I care about you. I know nothing about art, but I´ve always loved your work; when I first found your space on DeviantArt I couldn´t stop looking, feeling, it was breathtaking. It is breathtaking. I don´t know how to explain the effect your images have on me. It´s something intense and I´m often numb. Of course maybe we can´t convince you, but you are that great.
Don´t give up, please. I may never feel what you are feeling; the expectations, the pain. I can´t know what it´s like. But I wish you the best, I really do.

Rainbowing said...

Wow all I can say is you are amazing at what you do, and keep at it. You have a lot of fans on the internet and we are always here for you much love x

Rainbowing said...

I don't know what to say apart from your brilliant at what you do, keep at it. We may not know you very well, but all your fans on the web support you dearly. Much love x

Anonymous said...

i want you to do me a favour if you read this. i want you to take an honest photo of how you feel. you can post it, not post, does not matter, but for yourself do this one thing. do it without one thought of what people will think, if it is creative or pretty or composed correctly, just take an honest photo of how you are feeling. that's all. you never have to share it with anyone, but you will know that you expressed it, you know? those feelings won't stay buried in your soul where they do no one any good, especially you. express yourself honestly as if no one is looking. when you can do that, then you've mastered not only your pain, but yourself.

Melissea said...

Dear Jingna,

It's strange how ambitious people always set standards, that no one can ever live up to, for themselves. Don't let the past haunt you. All the traumas, the bad experiences, all the hurt and fails soothe overtime. Just like everyone else you're just going through a stage of being down and making any decisions while being down is a bad bad idea. When it happens to me, and believe me, I've failed, disappointed and hurt many people I just try to find some silver lining - think that whatever I've done in the past has brought me here and made me more aware. There's nothing you can do about past. Just learn your lesson and move forward and don't let the dark emotions catch up to you. Run towards your personal light ;) There's so much to do!

Sorry for oversimplifying all of this, I don't mean to offend you or anything. Be brave and don't give up. We love you!

Anonymous said...

Jingna,

You are the most popular photographer on DA. You're a fashion photographer. You're talented and creative. How is any of that a fail? You've already succeeded where most people can only ever dream of.

If you wanted to hurt yourself when you were only four and are still feeling like this I think you should see a doctor. Maybe a shrink for somebody to talk to, or to get medicine. There is nothing with that. With everything you have been threw it's amazing you're not insane. It's never wrong to need help. In America almost everybody has a shrink just for any little thing. You have real trauma that you should have help dealing with.

There is no way you've failed at anythying. LIFE FAILED YOU. People in your life failed you. The school failed you. You are a gem in a sea of sharks. You always shine. You only feel like this because of crappy other people. The ones who actually are the failers. Who are not nice. Who are jealous and stupid.

We need more people in the world like you.

Anonymous said...

Your dress from your fashion days are what helped make your most popular photography photos so nice. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing you do is unimportant. You're very important and a very good person. If I could be anybody I'd want to be you.

Anonymous said...

we're all just humans in the end... stay strong

dreamtomatoes said...

I don't know what to say. I never knew such terrible things happened in your life. I'm shocked and sad that you had those experiences. No one should have to go through that. No one.

You keep saying you failed, but I don't think you did.
This is my favorite quote by Thomas Edison about his failures: "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

K xxx said...

Sometimes the hardest criticism we have to deal with is that we give ourselves. If you are happy with the effort you have made, then that is all that matters. If you are not, then it is only you that can make yourself work harder. *Your* best is not the same as the best of another person, and sometimes the things that we are best at are things that seem unremarkable to other people. Don't do things to please other people if they go against the things that please you.

You may not have finished school, but regardless you have achieved many things that most people do not have the strength of character or determination to achieve. For one, you have the ability to give emotion to other people. To me, you give inspiration. But do not let the pressure to please others govern how you live your life.

Do not regret the things that you cannot change, only learn from them and take that knowledge with you into your future. Do not regret the things that you have tried and failed, for at least you tried.

Often the things that affect our futures are things that no one has any control over. Life is hard, but strive to conquer life, don't let life conquer you.

Something I try to live by is, if there is something I am unhappy with or something that I feel I am not achieving, I can not let it get to me if I am not trying to do something to change it. My circumstances are of my own doing and if there is something I can no longer deal with, then it is my responsibility to change it.

Jingna, with all my heart I wish you peace within yourself. My thoughts are with you as you deal with your defining moments and I hope that you find the strength to deal with them one at a time, as they come to you.

Rob said...

We love you, we really really do.

JB said...

Hi JN, do you think Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg are failures?

They've something in common with you - dropping out of school.

I think many of us here grown up with the notion that quitting is bad. quitting is for losers. quitting is fail. but the truth is quitting is just letting go of something that no longer brings you value in life.

y'know what? I thought your decision to quit RGS, quit Laselle, quit air rifle, were brilliant and took tremendous courage! most ppl here are so afraid of quitting, that they hold onto things for the sake of... well holding on.

did you even realise, that your decisions to quit repeatedly only bought you closer to your passion. Conversely, people who are afraid of quitting are imprisoned in habitual cycles.

the key here is conscious quitting, and that means quitting to do something better. isn't that the reason why you quit what you've quit so far?

You’ve very strong intuition and an unusual chain of events in your childhood that have bought you to photography and subsequent success. Forgive yourself.

YeeLing said...

Hi Jingna,

You don't know me, and I know you only as far as being inspired by your photographs. But I truly want to thank you for sharing your honest and sincere feelings and thoughts... You have been through sooo much! and yet you are still standing here, probably stronger than ever, though it doesn't feel like it. You are right, things in life are so temporary. Everything, all our accomplishments and failures, will one day fade away. But let us hold on to what IS important in life and things that are eternal. :)

I just read your previous post, and I am glad you are alive too!! :D I'm sure there are so much more in stored for you here :)

-Catherine

ru.kurarin said...

I have no words, but I hope this song makes you feel better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7oq0Ahkx1A

Ian said...

Hi, Jingna:

I also come from China and now live in the UK, I am also a photographer but very normal one and much older than you. I spent my childhood in fears and it haunted for many years.

Reading your last post on your blog really make me feel hurts. However, what I want to say to you is, try to forgive and forget those bad memories and carry on. I know it is very difficult and I tried many years. What finally made me feel life is beautiful is that God saved me. I realised that every life is perfect and beautiful in it’s own way.

As you move to a new place to live, there will be more loneliness in your life; you might face some situation that felt difficult to fit in as well. Tell yourself firmly that you belong to here. And make sure you think like that as well. It is your place and it is your promise land that GOD has leaded you to and claim it with confidence.

You are an amazing and talented girl, I am sure you can do it well. However, if there’s anything that you messed up, just give it a laugh. Don’t give yourself too much pressure.

I will be always on facebook to support you and looking forward to see your amazing images.

If you come to London by any chance, let me know and I can buy you a drink.

Ian

Cassia said...

Someone once told me, "Who you are is good enough." He wasn't anyone I knew very well. But somehow I've remembered what he said all these years.

Jingna, you always try really hard. You give people so much pleasure with the images you create. That really is good enough.

You have been, and always will be a worthwhile human being. Please believe that.

Jeffrey Chapman said...

Profoundly real, human and moving.

Samantha Harrison said...

*hugs* Keep your chin up. We know you are human and you don't have to pretend to be perfect. I know what it's like to be something broken that doesn't fit in, but I think you have to remember to live for now rather than just worrying about the future and expectations. I know you're human, I don't know you personally obviously but from what I see you are a gorgeous person. Don't give up <3

marcin said...

Don't let all these negative emotions get to you. You are great and amazing. Keep that in mind.
Marcin.

Maura said...

Dear,
I didn't know these things about you. I am dumb, I don't understand either half of what you talked about and I can't imagine a lot of things you going through.
But I understand what is it like when people judge you for being pessimistic just because you can't keep holding it inside anymore and you need to show. I hate when they blame me for being emo, which is absolutely stupid. So I'm not gonna judge you.
And I know what is is like to fail over and over again. Don't be afraid. True love is when they "love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become". That is important.
I just wanted to tell you.
Hope you're going to feel better.
Love
Unknown

Michelle said...

I have sat here for over 20 minutes, thinking about what I can say that is meaningful and worth writing. I still haven't thought of anything.

I suppose all I can say is that everyone is afraid of failure. Everyone is afraid of falling down. I can imagine how you feel, with the expectations of thousands of deviants on your shoulders. But in all honesty, when I think about you and your work, I don't think of the successes.

I think of the beauty, the humanity, and the honesty of your images. Of how inspirational your story is. How much I take away from just looking at your images.

I understand that I don't know a thing about you aside from what you've chosen to share, but I believe you are a wonderful human being. You're not perfect, but no one is. Despite all this, you've faced adversity and continued to pedal forwards.

I think this post is so inspirational and stands as a testament of your strength. Not weakness. I cherish the fact that you chose to share a little bit of your story to us, anonymous as we are.

Let's stay strong together in this walk of life. Sending love and positive thoughts your way.

Sasha said...

Hi Jingna,
I've always admired you, your works, talents and the way you live your life. I wanted to be as successful as you are. I thought your photography career is as much as fulfilling that one could ask. But after reading this entry of yours, my heart broke because despite all the success, recognition, you're still hurt on the inside.

I don't know if this would really help or no, but somehow you had helped other people -whether you know them or not- to be stronger. You inspired many people. Myself included. Your success motivated me to work harder and be a more positive person. And to date, i couldn't find something that makes you a failure. It's just "flaws"... and the flaws make us humans.

Having through bad and gloomy past, i could understand a bit how depressing life could be, but i always believed that made me stronger and tempered what i am now. And i can't help but being proud of myself.

It's disappointing when you fail, and yes everyone's afraid to fail. But that's how life should be. The most important thing is, when you fail, you'd realize something that you wouldn't if you didn't. And you could learn from it. It'd take few moments to recover but when you do, get up and smile. It's part of life. Even if you fail, i'm sure there are plenty of people that will still encourage you and never turn their back on you. That's when you realize you have important people around you. You found the treasure.

It's okay to take a rest, rant, cry and feel sad. But don't let it traps you forever. There's still tomorrow. And everything will only get better.

I hope you'll be able to recover. I'm gonna keep you in my thoughts and pray that you'll be happy :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Jingna,

I'm late...

It takes courage to write all these down to share with people. Life may fail you, but you didn't fail life. In fact, you have achieved what most people could have taken years to achieve. I really pei4 fu2 you, you know that?
Don't be so hard on yourself sometimes. You know you're being loved. Look at all those fans of yours! But then again, what do I (or rather, we) know rite? Because unless we have been through what you've experienced, we can NEVER understand the torment you're facing. I'm sorry.

Life teaches you lessons and history is what makes you a person. That's why there is the one and only Jingna. I wish you could stop hurting, but occasionally being hurt reminds you that you are but only a human. Perhaps being hurt is a source of energy for some people to carry on in life because they cannot bear to admit defeat; but alas, it is also the reason for people to end it all together. No matter which, you are responsible for yourself. It is as simple as that.

I hope you'd found some comfort after writing these. You are not superman, and it is ok to feel weak (wait, superman also has weakness ley). Let it out, and move forward. Afterall, that's what life is about ain't it. Moving forward. You may think you are not strong, but your works reflect otherwise, so don't you stop beliving in yourself! Many others believe in you wor. It would be a great pity to stop moving ahead in the present Jingna's life.

Lastly, big HUGS to you. Jiayou.

jade said...

i can feel u. i understand. be strong, pray... i feel the same way.

Victoria said...

Thank you for pouring your heart out. I read it twice because it had so much feeling.

As convenient as it would be, we can't always be strong right?

Also, it may seem like it, but not all inconsiderate and/or close-minded people remain that way. Some do change.

These are some statistics I'd like to share with you: 25% of the people you meet are your haters. It doesn't matter what you do to them, they just don't like you. Another 25% of you meet in your lifetime will dislike you at first, but they'll change their mind. Another 25% will be friends with you, but then they will not. The last 25% are people who have your back no matter what. We commenters may be strangers, but we feel for you.

Keep on living. You transform and you inspire so many whether you believe it or not.

V.

Kris said...

Thank you for being strong.
And thank you for being an inspiration.

:)

Linda said...

Dear Jingna,

I find that the artists who I love so much and keep coming back to check up on them are those who are ... honest ... those who don't just show their work but also confides in us their words and feelings that make us able to relate to them -- that the fact you are human just like us. To me that is what in essence an artist is.

We love you and your work so much. Even if you fall, please know that you have your own friends and family and thousands of us who are there to catch you and tell you it's okay, because in all honesty, I'm not alone in not thinking of your successes or milestones but rather the honesty and purity of your images. Please don't ever feel the weight of pressure or expectations! Your simple and bare honesty in not sugarcoating your life is what makes your voice louder than so many other artists' work I've seen.

I didn't have a pretty childhood either, to say the least ... I can relate to so much of what you are going through and what you went through and I just wanted to say you are not alone. I cried when I first read this because your words struck a cord within me.

I pray to the fairies, gods, angels, universe -- anything that's willing to listen -- that you will feel better and feel the liberation you want to feel so it won't hurt anymore, if not a little less.

I've met you once and you're so unique. You're precious, genuine, and an empowering beautiful woman.

Linda C.

- said...

Hi Jingna,

I think every piece of work you have created with light, with art, with yourself may be a way of expressing you emotions, some of them, the deepest.
So you don't have to hide, cause they are amazing, simply because people can connect to your true heart.

The only constant is change, everything does. So maybe you were just short of a few more months to finishing off each time, but you moved on, getting better than before :)

I think you have deserved so much bcus u went through so much more, each experience shaping you as you go.

There's always judgements everywhere, a thousand / million people can give us different opinions, but in the end what is the ans to ourselves :]

Just learned about this great '30s actress - Ruan Ling-yu, today in class. Sadly, she left early, under the mess of the world.

Ultimately, the battle is with ourselves. Tell yourself that you want to be strong and can be strong. You are a strong and inspiring lady :)

'Sucess is never final, failure is never fatal. The courage to continue is what counts.' - Winston Churchill

Thank you for always being an inspiration, Jingna :)

Nicole F. said...

Dear Jingna,

Everyone has said so well what I would like to say, but I would like to show you my support as well.

I want to add a comment that I truly, really believe: your artwork now reflects your growth, your experiences, your pain, your emotions from your past. Your photography would not be the same if you didn't have those experiences. And your photography is amazing. I am uplifted, motivated, brought to tears by the amount of emotion and feeling I get from your work. And though you may have been amazing without the hardships you have been through, I think they have contributed and given you a unique outlook on life, and on your photography, that you could not get elsewhere and that others cannot duplicate. Your experiences allow you to pour your emotions into your work, and it shows.

It is difficult, and it is a lot to deal with. I cannot even begin to understand. But I appreciate your work, and would like you to know that your pain has also made you special, and that you are the only one who can show us the way you see the world.

Please never give it up. Thank you for everything. Stay strong.

Annemarie said...

I can relate to your situation.
Noone can stop the pain but you. Force yourself to let go. How can you have a positive outlook on your own life when you dwell on the memories that bring you down. Do you want to continue the rest of your life thinking about your past? and letting your fears decide where YOU want to be. Everyone can SEE that you worked so hard to change your life and LOOK AT IT! BE PROUD. You have the power to change your life, the only thing that is stopping you is your MIND. Stop giving a shit about the way people percieve you and spend that time creating new and happy memories. Challenge yourself to do something new and the pain will stop. I hope my advice helps in some way...

Rainbowing said...

Love the bit of Update, yh stay strong, Reading all the comments makes me feel like us as people aren't always as horrible as everyone makes out to be. A lot of people have hearts x Hope one day you can completely overcome this

Vida said...

*Pats head*

Keep moving forward.

LanWu said...

hugs hugs hugs hugs, everyone has given the best support for you, look, they're there for you.
We don't know so many things about you. But we always be inspired by you, we will support you. Please don;t be afraid, be what you are :)

Reading your story is just so touching. What a girl you were and what you have become now. How strong you are, being able to live in the middle of all those obstacles, and you're still here, write to us, and inspire us.

We are also a bunch of failure, and up until now, still giving nothing to the world and our family. Be proud of what you've done, for you have inspire many people around the world :> thank you so much!

Be strong dear. God love you and your family :>

Anonymous said...

As my prof says

You have always been very successful people - hang onto that; the skills that have made you successful will not desert you now.

The qualities that make your work beautiful will always make your work beautiful.

MaO MaO said...

:D
Ganbatte!

Miah said...

How could one capture emotions in pictures if they didn't feel the emotions themselves?

The best artists (in music, arts, photography, etc) has something dark inside of them. It is when we are emotional our creative side flows out of us. Making it easier to let go, maybe for a bit, maybe forever. You can ask yourself, who would you be if you hadn't gone through all of this? Would you still make beautiful photos?

And don't panic, I'm not saying you're the best. I'm simply just a silent admirer of your beautiful photos and journey.

And the word "perfect" (I think it was mentioned somewhere) is an abstract word. Undefined. Generalised. Stupid word. Either everyone would be perfect, or no one.

Maja said...

As e e cummings said it best 'It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.' Don't let what 'was' blind you from what 'is' and what 'will be,' because in following you and your work, you seem like an incredibly talented and unrelenting individual who's been forced to the play a game blindly and with a bad hand, and has still come out winning. Winning and losing are just two sides of the same coin so it's important to not be afraid of trial and error. People love your work because it comes from you, and there's only one 'you,' so whatever *you* create, whether 'good' or 'bad,' will be fascinating because it comes from the 'you' that people follow, whichever version of you it may be at that point in time. That's the beauty of art: there is no points system. To cut the metaphors and philosophies short, don't let anything get the better of you because the better of you is always best for you. To put it more selfishly, at the end of the day I'm bewitched by your work and will be mightily displeased if you don't give it the credit it deserves. Allow yourself to feel good about your achievements. Looking forward to whatever else you have to bring.

L. Olenska said...

This poem was here is the worst moment of sadness, loneliness, persecution...in my life.

I hop it will give it the same to you.

***

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

***

http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htm

starcraftdkim said...

There's only 1 Jinn in the world and the world's lucky to have her (no lie!). As i tell my little sister, "Do your thing girl. Chase your dreams because no one can deny you of that joy. In the end it will all be worth it."

ps- When are we gonna get some 2's in? Let's pwn some noobs! You're not down!!!

Anonymous said...

JingNa

You've been an inspiration to me. I'm amazed by your talent at such a young age and all the achievement you are having.

I understand and can relate to what you said. I guess everyone in their life felt the same way atleast once in their life time.

But your present now is better and the future will be brighter. The past is what made who you are today.

I wish you all the best and keep being a strong and independent person you are. You are never alone and you are loved by everyone who follows you, your friends and us.

Reysha K. said...

You are probably one of the greatest people I know and I aspire to be like you. If I would ever meet you in real life I would give you a hug; you are just amazing and other people should look up to you. I love you and seeing you and your works really makes me happy, and you should know that. :)

The dark past is so horrible and saddening, but now you are deeply loved even by people you may not know, Jingna. ❤