May 2nd.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I was introduced to X Japan's music on 2nd May, the summer of my first year at RGS.

We were at my guitarist's place together with my bassist and they had me sight-read Endless Rain on a keyboard with 3 octaves too short. It wasn't till much later that I found out that it was hide's death anniversary.

I didn't really like X at first. The too heavy music, the almost scary visual looks, but little by little, it managed to grow on me somehow.

Perhaps covering their songs gave room for appreciation, perhaps it was the sadness that came with all their ballads, I'm not quite sure.

Some nights I'd play Tears on loop and cry myself to sleep, some nights I'd listen to it a little too much and wish I were gone too.

I wonder about all these deaths, all these could-have-beens, and I wonder if there's a god above that's just taking all these away from us just because... and I can't, I can't understand.

Why is it so unfair? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it becomes so much harder to live as the days and years pass by?

Sometimes I think the scars heal and memories fade and that perhaps I'm gonna be okay. But sometimes I don't know how far I can go, don't know if I can live, because remembering hurts so so much but I don't think I can live if I forget either.

I wish I understood this sadness, wish I could chase it away. But nothing makes sense, nothing.


Aga said...

People often ask 'why' instead of 'what I can do to this doesnt happen again'. I know sometimes it's hard to think about anything but our scars, but those days will pass and you will be smiling again. :)
Wish you will be smiling soon. :)
Much love.

Ana said...

Don't let moments bring you down. Find a way to rise up again. You are a talented young woman, I know you'll find a way. Never give up, ever.


Julie said...

Just pray my friend & you'll be okay... God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. Cheer up! :)

John John said...

The memories of those who have passed away should bring inspiration to us. They were taken away and It's unfair, I know. But there is a reason for everything.
Use the good memories to remember them and don't let the sadness bring you down. There must be sadness in the world so we can have the happiness and joy.
Take care!
Head up, wipe the tears!


Anonymous said...

Depend on the Lord; trust him, and he will take care of you.
Psalm 37:5

Just remember that with God you'll always have a happy ending. <3 All of your pain, problems...just lay them all out to him. God will never give you anything you can't handle. I know it may seem impossible but there's someone out there who loves you so much it wouldn't make sense. Just be happy, you know? Look at the beautiful sky, spin around and act goofy! Conquer the world with the most powerful person right beside you. He'll be there with you every step of the way- whether you believe it or not. Besides, what do you have to lose?

Pray to God. He will definitely answer your prayer. It may take an hour. It may very well take 5 years but it's worth it.

And don't forget: I love you too! ♥

SikArtist said...

Life can be devastating at times. I think artist are especially susceptible to the calamities of life. I suppose It's about getting up and learning to traverse through those dark territories of the mind that take is into despair, so that we may learn to grow. It's a tragedy to lose a loved one but an even greater tragedy to forget them and the impact they've had in our lives. Persevere, your art brings joy and awe to the many that you inspire.

Anonymous said...

I would suggest you to take one of Eckhart Tolle books. There are many answers to questions that you often ask. Just trust me;) Mainly he comprehensibly shed the light on what is the suffering and why people are addicted to it, and why...(oh my...hold tight) not real. I assume your emotional reactions created strong energetic charge/layer that now (oh my...another blast) ..feeds on you. It strives for survival, so often mind pushes your buttons, when it seems that you are in good mood, and you fall back again in hurt. i really suggest you to look deeply into this, because if you wont consciously take power back, then you will forever be stuck in this loop/repetitious circle. pain body just dont want to let go.

much love,

Yana said...

Hi. I just wanted to say you are loved from the other side of the world <3 IDK if it helps, but I just wanted you to know that. Stay strong!

Quique Mañas said...

Don't know why, but love is a remedy, not a cure, but a remedy. A hug, a kiss, a cheer up...

Give, receive, search, find.

Karl Lion said...

I was wandering around some blogs my on the list which my friend highlighted on his blog as Amazing Artists when I found yours. And I was about to leave when I saw an image of hide on the screen. That pulled me back, not just to read your entry, but to my whole memories since the first time X and their music came to my world, all the pain and love I had toward X. I wonder should I say 'HAD'. x Though most of the time I thought X could not hurt me anymore. But sometimes all those feelings live back in me like this moment. There're no answers for your questions I think. At least, there would be no one could give you the right answers. It's just the matter of time until you realize them by yourself. Things do not fade away, they are just staying still in my heart while life is not standing still, it's moving forward. So sometimes I don't have time to notice something that's not moving. But when I have a moment every thing inside me comeback so lively. So should I say I the pain and love I HAD toward X. Maybe not. It's "Have been having" or maybe "Am Having".
Sorry for the long comment. It's been a long time I did not talk about X to some one else. It's been a long time I don't have time to stay still. Your entry catches my heart. Oh, You're closer to X than me I think. Because you can play X's songs. I just know to listen to them. :) I envy you somehow.

Life is moving forward, and you are too. So is the current X Japan.

Nathália Suellen said...

without God, life has no sense at all. No sucess, no money, no love or family can make us happy. Life must have a meaning, we have a mission here. I'm just trying to find my mission, find yours and you'll find reason to live. Think about, be fine there. <3