25.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

This post is marginally bipolar, my emo and epic nerdy fangirling all rolled into one. You have been warned.


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25.

Where do I even start? I am glad to be alive.

It takes a lot of courage to put certain thoughts and feelings into words, too easy to be hurt for who we are, our heart's fragility can only withstand so much when it comes to our weaknesses, I think.

And so, I hadn't known how to write this, and I still don't, not really. But last year—getting over depression—was surely the grandest achievement of me being 24 (and of course my doctor, who didn't even have to put me on antidepressants, thank you).

In many ways, I had been afraid to write about it because I didn't want to jinx my recovery, it wasn't often that I had something good like that. (Because you know, more than once, I'd thought that I was fine, just to find myself living in the very opposite of that the next months.)

It was a lot to take in, becoming… un-unhappy.

From my first memory of acute loneliness, to the first time I thought about death when I was four, a lifetime of problems to fix, all the normalcy I never knew and wondered about, that made me different, that nearly…

I hadn't known I suffered from traumatic stress, it went on for so long I'd accepted my feelings and nightmares as normalcy. So when I could see in my head, during my final session with my doctor, the foundation blocks of my life and thoughts reslotting and rearranging, completely changing, I couldn't understand how it was possible. It was overwhelming, awe-inspiring, terrifying.

It was as if I had become someone else, and held in my hands the memories of someone I might have been, trying to understand it, feeling like an outsider; as if I were separated from that person's past by a wall of glass, I could look but not reach, nor feel.

It left me lost, like I'd finally emerged from the shadows into the sun, yet all that lay around me was vast indistinct land and it didn't matter where I went. Until finally, and only because I was trying so hard to find something, anything at all, I felt the moment I left that dream place and came surface to air, and I realized with wonder, that I had healed.

If I could liken it to something, maybe, it's what a human being's metamorphosis is like.


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That was the most important thing that happened to me at 24. But of course, my move to New York was a big deal too. And the recent news that I was selected by Vogue Italia to be part of Photo Vogue's exhibition in Milan this June makes me speechless. And I saw Gundam Unicorn!!! Finally! I haven't been able to lock away my closet nerdiness after that, because oh my god, sick cockpit design is sick. I've been daydreaming about how to spend my first billion dollars (simulation room in my house), I even re-watched the series to take screenshots just so I can write a blog post about it. NERDY.

I also just finished Lymond Chronicles' book 4, it was SO emotionally brutal I nearly had a heart attack. Phillipa, my sixteen year old heroine. SO BRAVE. HOW?! She journeyed alone to find her friend's baby son in a foreign land, surrounded by dangers and traps and possible assassinations all the bloody way, then gave up her life to the seraglio just so she could protect the child's safety after she had found him. So freaking badass and so much courage! Why aren't there more people reading this together with me so we can fangirl and fanboy together!?!!

Don't judge me on the fangirling. Because you know, the secret to great personal work is being a fangirl. Only when I feel passionate can I create works passionately! True story.


So 24 was an experience alright, here's hoping 25 will be even grander.

Thank you everyone for your encouragements and support and love, I hope I can continue to be a person you can be happy with and proud of. Happy birthday to me! :D

Jingna
May 4th, 2013

17 comments :

Anonymous said...

I love you and I wish you all the best.

nataliapek said...

oh my GOD. i think i'm in a nearly-same condition as yours, right now. well i can't tell much about it but yea i kinda feel the same.

anyway, i'm a big fan of yours and you really inspired me. A LOT. i'm really thank you for that. Happy birthday to you and please please please, keep being great as you usually be. Art is still beyond and you have to keep chasing it :)

have a great day, zemotion :D

love,
your biggest fan on earth

www.missfotografie.com

HyakuShiki said...

Ohayou ^__^
First of all,happy birthday <3
I've been following your work and your personal blogs for quite a while now,and its strange how much I can relate to you, dealing with similar issues for myself and other family members. I still think you are one of the most inspirational persons I've come to known these past years,probably because you seem more real than most other persons in similar positions.
I wanted to thank you for your honesty and making me think about sutff,reflecting about myself and my loved ones. <3
If I ever get a chance to meet you in real life,I'm gonna attack hug you so hard because you deserve so much love and respect.
And oh yeah,please keep up all the nerdiness.As a huge Gundam fan myself, I think its pretty fudgin awesome ^__^

Much love,all the good for your future and have a great birthday. :)

<3

Crysa said...

Jingna, Happy birthday!! You are such an inspiration! If it were not for the dark and hard times, we would not know how wonderful the happy times are. Every time I go through a depression, I always feel so much stronger once I come out. You have so many people who look up to you! Keep doing what you are doing! *hug*

Becca said...

Happy birthday Jingna! It is always refreshing to read your blogs, you are human and real and aren't afraid to let that be seen by others... it is tiring going through blogs with the sole purpose of only showing the side the blogger wants you to see, their marketing. Anyways I hope you have wonderful and fulfilling year <3

maQeup_makeup said...

:) I am so happy for you jingna'!! It was a pleasure taking you around in SF. :) hopefully I'll run into your work being displayed in the museum here instead of jean Paul gaultier~!;)

maQeup_makeup said...

Happy birthday Jingna!! I'm so proud of how much you've overcome! I'm glad you're in a better place now. :) quarter of a century!
It was a pleasure taking you around in SF last year! Hope to see you around again and hopefully I'll see your work in the Museum instead of Jean Paul Gaultier's ! :)
Best of luck to the show in Milan!!

arhcamt said...

happy birthday jingna! glad to hear about your metamorphosis process. though not exactly the same i kinda know what it's like to.. emerge as a new person. anyway you're definitely an inspiration for me to pursue photography. keep being awesome. :D

kirsty mitchell said...

I forget how young you are... probably because of the incredible amount of success you have had in your photography career... and maybe because I always act way younger than I am. Christ I'm 12 years older than you !! wtf ! I just wanted to say this post is brave, beautifully written, genuine, honest and so lovely to read - in the sense of you are writing it from a positive place. You're a tough little cookie missus and Im so happy you have found some light again. xx And I think I need to read these books !!

Cinghius - Andrea said...

25.

Such a great number to get born again.
Enjoy your talent, my dear. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy love when it crosses your path. Enjoy the little nerdy stuff, you will understand how much is important when you'll pass 40.

Best luck for this fresh 26th year.


Cinghius - Andrea said...

25.

Such a great number to ger born again.
Enjoy your talent, my dear. Enjoy love when it crosses your path.
Enjoy the little nerdy stuff, you'll really understand how much is important when you'll approach 40.

Keep on creating worlds with your art.

Happy birthday!

faith said...

I'm so proud of you, Jingna-sensei. Losing the shadows of your past that will not let you be is always a long road, and I'm glad you've made it. <3<3<3

Anonymous said...

Hi Zero,
Haven been following your blogs since don't know how many years back...Love all your work!
Saw this recent post, glad to know you have overcome and "reborn"..I'm bad at words, shall put down one of my favorite quote by Frank Herbet:
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Congratz again for got selected to display your works in Milan!! All the best!
Cheers,
Ivy

Anonymous said...

hello and happy birthday Jingna! I've been a closet lurker to your site for a little over a year now. Your professionalism and creativity is astounding, but your honesty about your life and your feelings touch me so emotionally, it's hard to put in words! Thank you for sharing all that you do and the parts of yourself that you are able. I wish you the best in every sphere of your life! Good luck!
Sincerely,
Anita Gleason
P.S.
I love that you are a super fangirl! I'm a complete anime/manga nerd, so here's a geeky fistbump to loving what we love!

lizmarsden said...

I'm 25 today (12th May) and just reading this blog (got a bit behind on my blog reading in the last few weeks) as a child 25 was my lucky number (weird choice I know!) so here's to wishing us both a lucky and happy 25th year.

Happy Birthday Jingna, thank you for the inspiration xxx

bho said...

Ahh, Jingna! I've been behind on reading your blogs and can't believed I missed your birthday. Your birthday is a day before mine and I think I will always remember that. Happy happy birthday! Fangirl, nerdy, and feel that passion, nothing to be ashamed about! Thanks for sharing this small part of yourself and I hope you continue to feel that passion. Have fun in Milan and keep blogging about your nerdiness and fangirling, it makes me happy to see them. I still remember reading about you visiting Amano's studio. I was fangirling with you. Haha. ♥

Melanie Macalister said...

Happy (late) birthday, Jingna. You've been an inspiration to me for so many years; your work just gets better and better. Thank you for just being you.

"The secret to great personal work is being a fangirl. Only when I feel passionate can I create works passionately!" I love this so much. As someone who gets completely absorbed in fiction and music (I even listen to my Final Fantasy music at work o.O) it's nice to hear these words from someone as hardworking and talented as you. I can only hope that my enthusiasm for these things can help me find my own talent and path in life. Again, thank you. I really hope to meet you one day :)